Lovesick
by Enchiridion88
Summary: Marlene finds herself caught in a trap: a trap of love! The zoo is in an all out frenzy of shipping and she is left on the receiving end. Will she find that special someone in a literal flood of dates or will she just end up disturbed, offended, and everything in between? Find out in this comedic, romantic parody where there is no easy way out for Marlene. *now with Kolene*
1. Shipping Antics

A young otter awakes in her habitat. From her bed, the girl stretches while yawning aloud. Little does she know that she will face some of the worst difficulties of her life. The expense of her torment will come with the enjoyment of fangirls everywhere, except for maybe one or two users who wish for a more harmonious couple of penguins. This isn't relevant as this otter has no idea she is in a cartoon show being fandomized by random strangers.

Where was I going with this?

Ah yes, the young otter, Marlene, enjoys a breakfast of fish as she starts the day. She yawns again as she steps out from her fake volcano home to the bright sunlit forest of her habitat. Still trying to wake herself up, she takes a quick swim in her pond

Today is Monday, meaning that she only has a few short hours of free time before returning to the usual crazy routine of entertaining stupid humans. However, with the zoo being closed for this early morning, Marlene feels free to boldly step out of her habitat and walk around the zoo.

She stepped out onto the pavement walkway. The bright sunlight felt warm against her fur.

Although New York City can be notorious for its noxious aroma of car fumes and other city smells, the sanctity of Central Park was a haven of fresh air. Marlene closed her eyes as she breathed in deeply.

The otter walked down the pathways between the animal exhibits.

Leonard, the rude koala, was sleeping lazily on a eucalyptus branch. However, he awoke sharply and turned towards the otter girl. He smiled at her.

Odd... he never smiles for anything. Not that she's complaining, it was actually a rather touching compliment.

Nevertheless, it would be rude to acknowledge this. Marlene simply waved, "Hey, how you doing?" Totally cool.

She hurried her pace away from his exhibit. _"Gosh, that was weird..." _she thought to herself.

Next she passed by the monkey cage. Mason and Phil shot up at the sight of her.

"Hey guys! Great morning, isn't it?" Marlene spoke politely.

"I do say," Mason said in his British accent, "Marlene, you are looking rather smashing today!" Phil nodded his head in approval.

She blushed and giggled at the compliment, "Ah, guys, you're too kind."

Marlene walked even faster. She usually never received such compliments. Did she do something different with her fur? Did she look stupid and they were just humoring her? Was there a gas leak and everyone is acting insane?

This behavior wasn't isolated. Everywhere she went, the smaller animals would greet her with compliments and heartfelt words. It was creepy.

She was now stuck between a jog and a walk as she quickly passed by everyone's exhibits.

"He-he-hey, Marlene," came a sly voice.

Marlene did not even need to look to know it was Julien. Marlene shielded her eyes as she blatantly ran past his exhibit. She would not even dare make eye contact. If she did, she would have seen that all three lemurs were staring diligently at her.

"Wait, where are you going?! I am all the party you'll ever need! Ahah, Maurice, did that sound creepy to you?"

_"What on earth is going on here?!"_ she panicked.

Maybe there was an explanation. Yes! This all could be explained easily.

On the other side of the zoo, she could see the notorious four penguins on their iceberg doing warm-up exercises.

They had to know what was happening!

She sprinted over to them. All the while, rogue compliments dive bombed from all across the zoo. "Guys, guys," she said, exhausted. She panted with her paws on her knees before continuing, "Something crazy has been going on today and-"

The penguins completely froze. They all stood there, staring at her. Private was started to blush and shrink down in nervous fervor.

"UGH! Not you guys too! What is wrong with everyone?!" she said running away.

The penguins watched her in fascination as she scurried off.

Skipper was the first to speak, "Well, is it me or is little miss prissy pants looking rather-"

"Rqrrnning!" Rico finished with googly eyes.

"Yeah... that," he said disturbed, "Am I the only one who thinks so?"

Kowalski snapped out of his love-entranced daze and replied, "Actually, no you are not Skipper. I knew this day would eventually come. This entire anomaly can be explained simply and easily." Kowalski pulled out a highly detailed chart, depicted a long blue line with a minuscule pink one alongside. Tons of complicated equations stood alongside. "According to my research, this is a peculiar event of single environmental infatuation."

Private turned, "To be honest Skippah, I don't quite know where he pulls all these charts from."

"Focus!" Kowalski snapped. On instinct, Skipper slapped Private upside the noggin. "Now, from my advanced mathematics and observations, I've come to the conclusion that there is only one girl in the entire zoo our size."

Skipper replied sarcastically, "What'd you have to do to figure that out, get a diploma?"

"Yes, actually."

Skipper shook his head in disappointment.

"So, what does that have to do with us all having the feelies for Marlene?" Private naively and innocently asked while motioning at his heart. In reality, he motioned at his spleen. Private is an ignorant fool.

"She's the only female in the vicinity, trapped in a field of healthy males of breeding age-"

"Enough of this sciency wizmo gizmo, out with it man!" Skipper demanded.

Kowalski sighed. "Why do I even bother with the research and the presentations," he grunted as he threw his data tables out of the reader's view or scope of concern. "It means she's the only girl and we're all guys. In the wild, all the males will sometimes fight each other just for the lone female."

"So you're saying we're all secretly in love with her, even if we don't already know it?"

"Precisely!"

"And that we're all going to have to fight each other for her?"

"That's what nature demands."

Skipper backed away slowly. His sneaking escape failed miserably, as everyone still stares at him awkwardly. He motioned circles with his flippers, "Pay no attention to the commander in the back. Just continue talking about, uh, winkies."

Private brightened up. "Oh I could really go for some peanut winkies right now! K'walski, can we get some winkies?!" he said bouncing.

He chuckled, "In a moment young Private, _Ah, you're so adorably naive._ First, we should sort out this dilemma of who should be shipped with Marlene and-"

Skipper was no longer with them. Everyone gasped aloud, shocked. "Blast! I can't believe how distracted I was! Private, Rico, we have to stop Skipper and-"

There was still a left-over cloud of dust from Rico sprinting away at breakneck speed. Private still held Kowalski's attention. He waved, "Hello."

Kowalski sighed, taking a flipper to his forehead, "I guess it's just you and me-oh there he goes."

It was just Kowalski left standing on the iceberg. He sighed as he trudged from the penguin habitat.

Skipper slid on his stomach as ventured around the sharp corners of the zoo walkway. He ventured forth, determined to claim his prize.

Suddenly, an explosion a few feet ahead halting the sergeant, causing him to spiral backwards. The leader shook his head before yelling at the supposed culprit, "Sweet molasses you could have killed me!"

"Hrrnnn-hrrrnnn!" Rico taunted as he slid past on a railing.

The explosion was enough to cause Marlene to halt on the other side of the zoo. Her fight-or-flight instincts had already committed suicide and she was left standing there, motionless.

Rico was in the lead. He was sliding at unearthly speeds. The wind began to sting against his feathers. Good! Rico met this pain with an outstretched tongue and a wicked look in his eyes.

Then came time to turn the railing. Rico tried, but was moving too fast and sailed straight into the gift shop, shattering several windows.

Kowalski rolled his eyes as he stole first place. "If you studied Centripetal Motion, you would know that you can't turn that sharply while-_SWEET MARY!"_

A rope was shot out of a handheld canon by Rico, tangling the analyst.

Private was the only one with enough sense to drive their pink toy car. He felt comfortable in the driver seat as he took the lead. "Sorry K'walski! I would help, but I have to ask out Marlene. Bye!"

He was too busy waving to Kowalski behind him that he hardly noticed Skipper pushing the popcorn cart into his path.

The pink Malibu collided with the stand, sending buttery flaking popcorn flying in all directions.

Marlene was watching the entire affair in stunned silence. Skipper was the first to finally arrive.

The lead penguin perked up in front of her, "Well aren't you the luckiest girl in the world because you get to-"

He was cut off as he was violently shoved out of the way by Kowalski. "Marlene, logically speaking, compared to everyone else, I think it is wise to _YIP,_" he yelped sharply as a grappling hook sent him flying in the other direction.

Rico took the now airborne analyst's spot. "'Roo. 'Eh," he motioned between them before making obscene kissing gestures. Marlene recoiled in uncomfortable confusion. The penguin was then tackled by Skipper.

"Ok-aaaaay, I'll just be going," she said as she turned around.

She was cut off by Private who spoke with twiddling flippers, "Oh, hi Marlene. Um, I was wondering if you would like to go on a da-AGHHH!" The young penguin was yanked away forcefully by Rico.

Skipper grabbed the two, "What in good gravy do you two think you're doing?! As your commanding officer I-_oof."_ Rico smacked his leader only to be in turn tackled by the others.

Kowalski returned as he yanked a loose branch out of his feathers. "I am catapulted out of the zoo for TEN SECONDS and I come back to this?!" he scolded. Frankly, no one noticed nor cared. But Kowalski refused to let his word go unheard as he spoke even louder.

Marlene stood there, frozen in confusion at what exactly was occurring.

From afar, King Julien sat atop his throne with a mixed fruit drink in a split coconut. His two servants fanned him with palm branches. While Mort only felt psychopathic happiness, Maurice had a look that, on its own, could kill half the planet.

Julien turned to see the ruckus. What an audacity! In his kingdom! Julien spat outwards and slammed the drink on Mort's head, "Ah! Maurice! Look at those flippered birdies stealing all of de Marlene from me! I should be down there doing the wooing!"

"Whatever you say, your highness," Maurice said drearily as he wiped the saliva ridden drink off his fur. If anything, Maurice should be down there! But NoOoOoOo, he has to stay here like the good little servant he is.

The penguins continued to fight while Kowalski was practically talking to himself.

This had gone on long enough.

"Guys," Marlene pleaded, "Hey, uh, guys...?" It was no use. It was as if somehow someone had rewritten their personalities.

Suddenly, Julian leaped down to the scene. He grabbed Marlene's hand seductively. "Babah'," Julien romantically spoke, "We all know who here can giv' you the... _royal_ treatment." His awkward eyebrow wiggle made Marlene forcefully pull her hand back and retreat ten steps.

Finally, she shouted at the top of her lungs, "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!"

Everyone froze. Julien stood with his mouth agape, ready to drop some tantalizing quadrants. Kowalski stood as though giving a lecture, but the kind you are most likely to sleep in like that one kid in the back of class who always picks his nose. Private was on the ground with a black eye on his stupid adorable face while Skipper was on top preparing to give him a smackdown. Rico had a katana at the ready. I don't know what that's about. Maurice still stood near the lemur throne wondering if he had died long ago and this was either purgatory or hell. Mort inched ever closer to the feet. Must. Get. Feet...

Nevertheless, all eyes locked onto the furious otter. No words were said. It was so quiet, a tumbleweed may have just rolled on through. Up, there it goes, right into the lemur habitat.

"Now, what has gotten into all of you?!" Marlene pursued, "All morning everyone has been obsessed over me, I mean not that that's not a great thing, but it is out of hand! And now you guys are literally fighting over me-!"

"MISSION COMPROMISED! Initiate the Swahili Shake-down!"

White smoke exploded around them. A flurry of coughs and flippers shuffling filled the air.

As Marlene fanned the smoke from her face, she looked up to find herself inside the penguin HQ. "How did I...?"

The four penguins stood around her. "Hi," Private awkwardly waved with his left flipper. His right held a steak to his eye.

"Okay, what is going on with you guys?" she persisted.

Kowalski, still facing the otter, withdrew a black marker and began scribbling on a white board. "I apologize Marlene, but it appears you are on the receiving end of an isolated fraternization."

"'K...what does that mean?" she said with her paws on hips.

"It means that you are numero uno on every guy's love hit list," Skipper explained as he waltzed his way to her side. "But we both know who's your hitman."

Marlene pushed him away and stepped closer to Kowalski, "Okay, first off: ew. Secondly, what is he talking about?"

Private approached, "It means that since you're the only girl in the zoo, we all love you! And, um, I hope you'll want to go on a date with-"

"ME!" Rico shouted as he threw Private out of the way into the wall.

Kowalski leaned over from the board, "I couldn't have said it better myself. Oh, and for the record, she's mine."

"WOAH!" Marlene interrupted with arms crossing. She means business. "Time out! Okay, I did not ask for all of you to have crushes on me! You're my friends and I don't know if I want to date anybody!"

"Fortunately, we'll make that decision for you," Skipper replied.

"Wah-?"

Kowalski flipped the white board around. It revealed a chart with each day of the week from Monday to Thursday. In each box was an appropriate drawing of Marlene with a different penguin. Oddly enough, all of them sucked except for Kowalski's, in which he looked like a stallion. He spoke, "I've devised a dating schedule to allow you to decide whom among use you wish to go out with by the end of the week."

"Did you guys really just make a shipping chart out of me?"

"Since I'm in charge, and so stunningly gorgeous, I'll be your date for tonight," Skipper announced.

"Bu-"

"Then me," Kowalski followed.

"Uh-"

"And then Rico."

"WOO!" the demolitionist cheered.

"Why am I always last?" Private pleaded.

"NO! NO! Not happening! I did not agree to this!" Marlene shouted. Her temper was flaring.

"Dat is right!" Julien interrupted. He hung upside down with Mort and Maurice from the entrance to the HQ.

Skipper pointed, "An intruder! Rico, action!"

At once, Rico upchucked a crossbow with cynical glee. The lemurs shrieked as they fell to the ground. An arrow stuck to the wall where they were previously.

"Wait, wait!" King Julien ordered as he dusted himself off, "By royal decree, I demand to be included in this dating thingy."

"No deal, ring tail!" Skipper replied, "We've already filled the week-"

"Except Friday," Kowalski said leaning over.

"ASHUSHSHSHSH! _Aheh_, like I said, all filled up! No more room!"

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Marlene interrupted. All eyes turned back to her. "This can't even work! I mean, I'm an otter and you're all penguins and lemurs! Kowalski, you know science! This is stupid!"

Everyone stood there, pondering her warning for a moment. Then everyone shrugged, "Eh."

Marlene stood there arms outstretched. She was struggling to handle the stupidity in the room. "_Apu- Puchch, Uh!_ I am watching this happen. I don't even have a say in this!"

"But da pretty lady over there said she does not want to go out with _you_, so that means she wants to be with de kingly king Julien."

"I'm just not even going to say anything. Nope! Fine, just let this go on without me! Let's just see how this plays out," Marlene complained as she leaned against the wall, defeated. Of course, no one heard her.

"So dat is why," Julien continued, "I must be the one to take Marlene as my lady king."

"Queen," Private corrected.

"Yeah one of those."

"I'm not getting paid enough to put up with this," Maurice said, even though he was getting paid nothing.

Private tried to reason, "Maybe we should include Julien. It's only fair, Skippah'."

Skipper instead was growing so furious that his eye began to twitch. "We don't have time for this bullmalarky. Rico, remove mango."

"Yay! I love fruit!" Mort cheered.

Rico rushed over and kicked the three lemurs out of the HQ, sending them soaring out of the porthole and into the air. "Bye-'ey!" Rico waved.

"A-are they going to be okay?" Marlene asked, being the only one with any reason.

"Ah, I'm sure they'll be fine," Skipper replied.

At once, a loud _crash_ erupted from outside. Julien's bloodcurdling screams mentioning something about feet came roaring through the zoo. Both Marlene and Private winced as they brought their arms up to their mouths.

"And if not, then who cares!"

Suddenly, the electric clock on the wall began to ring. Five minutes until the zoo opens.

"Uh, yeah, I've got to going," Marlene said as she shuffled to the ladder.

Skipper followed, flippers on his hips and a smirk on his face, "Well don't you worry, because tonight will be the ride of your life."

"I hope not."

"You'll never even see it coming!"

"I hope it _never _comes!"

"Oh it will! And it will be when you least expect it!"

Marlene awkwardly exited the penguin HQ and made her way back to her habitat.

She was mortified at what she would have to put up with for an entire week.

"This is going to be the worst week of my life."

* * *

Hello PoM fandom! I hope you enjoyed this parody.

Anyways, Thank you guys for the welcoming with my first story, _Life's End_, which, unlike this one, was super dark and depressing... just like everything else I make! I plan to publish another depressing story about Private, yet again.

This is my attempt at comedy. It's a different change of pace from killing off all of my characters. And if they're not dead, then having them suffer the terrible trauma that follows as they waste away in a decrepit world collapsing around them! Until eventually, all that remains are former shells of-! _Ahem._ Sorry about that. I get carried away sometimes... or all the time. If you enjoyed this, come check out what else I have in my archive.

Thank you guys so much for the read! I hope you enjoyed it and you stick around for Skipper's classy entourage of romantic affairs.

Also, thank you to 890X and redradknuxfan for their help on this project which has been in development hell since the dawn of mankind.


	2. Skilene

Wow. Thank you guys so much for the overwhelming reviews and support with the first chapter.

Here's the first date.

* * *

The day was torture for Marlene. Every minute of every hour, the penguins, lemurs, monkeys, and just about every other small animal were staring in her direction.

She just stood on her platform nervously, waving with a fake smile towards the humans.

The people, like the idiots they were, called Alice over.

"The otter's not doing anything."

Alice looked with pure, bundled in hatred at the customer, "'K."

"Well, can't you make it do something?"

Alice shook her head, logic skyrocketing out of existence, and walked away.

The penguins, though acting cute and cuddly, were seething with rivalry.

"You boys might as well just give up now. After tonight, I don't think you'll be able to get her off of me," Skipper announced slyly.

Rico guterally objected.

"Please, you don't even know the basics of romantic courtship," Kowalski muttered as he continued to gaze at Marlene.

"And you do?"

"More than anyone else here."

Private joined in, "You don't know that. Maybe she could like any one of us."

"Oh, and you have some kind of brilliant date planned?" Skipper retorted with the youngster.

Private blushed, "W-well, I think she'll like it."

"Does it involve that Lunacorn marathon on Thursday?" Kowalski replied.

"N-n-n-no! No it doesn't!" Private stammered with embarrassment.

Yes it is, Private, don't lie.

"Really...?"

"_Eh, ah, um_, You're stupid! Stupid dumb stupid!" Private responded violently.

Kowalski rolled his eyes, "That's not even a good insult."

"Stupid stupid dumb dumb!"

The arguing between the flightless birds continued for some time.

Elsewhere, Julien looked on with envy. "Look at her, Maurice. Look how beautiful she is."

"That I actually agree with for once," Maurice added.

Mort was caught. True he loved Marlene, but he also loved Julien's feet. If only there was a perfect world where he could have both. Or maybe she could wear Julien's feet like shoes.

No Mort. That would involve illegal activities. Still, one can dream.

Anyway, back to Julien, "If only I was the one doing the courting."

If only...

Eventually, the number of people around Marlene's habitat dwindled until there were none left.

Marlene then had a realization.

Wait a minute.

"No. No, this doesn't make any sense."

That's it.

She found the plothole.

With eagerness, she checked around her.

No humans in sight.

This would be risky.

Borrowing the stealthy belly crawl of the penguins, she slid out of her habitat into the pathways around the zoo. She zig-zagged between trash cans, benches, and various other hiding places until she finally arrived at her destination.

She whispered from a bush, "Shelly, Pinky!"

The two female birds turned her way, absolutely pale.

"Marlene, what are you doing?! There's people around!" Shelly the ostrich whispered.

"Yeah, do you want to get caught?" Pinky the flamingo added.

Marlene continued, "You guys are girls too, but everyone's still obsessed with me. It doesn't make any sense, why are they not after you two?"

Shelly answered, "They are."

It was then that Marlene looked around and saw what she was talking about. Joey the kangaroo was beating the crap out of a punching bag as he looked affectionately at Shelly, the elephant was arranging a heart out of peanuts with Pinky's face in it, and the gorillas were doing something gorilla related, but still watching the two.

"Wha-?" Marlene half asked, confused.

"It's a size thing, deary," Pinky added, "You're the only small one."

"At least there's two of us, so it's only half as bad."

"Oh... right..." Marlene said.

Crap. There was no cheating the system.

"Yeah, I'm just going to go. Thanks guys."

"Good luck, my dear! Lord knows you need it!" Pinky remarked as Marlene jutted away.

* * *

The hours dragged onward and the grand clock overlooking the zoo ticked at a rate monotonous enough where if one stared for too long, they would swear it stopped entirely. Marlene experienced such a feeling as she literally watched the time pass until it was almost time for closing.

As the last of the humans were leaving, she glanced over to the penguin exhibit.

None of them were there.

Oh crap.

Marlene felt her heart pump faster. This was a bad sign.

If Skipper wasn't there, he could be anywhere. He could be watching her right now. The very thought made Marlene shiver; Skipper is a such a creep. Then again, the other penguins could be doing the same thing.

Maybe she was over thinking this.

Skipper's a nice guy...right?

...Maybe...

Okay, he's a _decent_ penguin. He more likely sets the bar for what counts as average, on his good days.

Yeah, totally over looking the fact that this could be fun. Marlene has spent time with him before. Although he never tried anything near romance, this could go well.

Who knows?

She stepped onto the penguin iceberg. She knocked on the hatch, "Hello? Skipper? I'm here for my..._date._" She almost puked upon that phrase rolling off her tongue.

No reply.

Could he really have forgotten about the date?!

Oh my gosh, he did. That buttmunch.

How could he forget about something as important as _Marlene?!_

"Okay, before I was disgusted; now I'm downright offended," she muttered quietly to herself in heated anger.

She barged down into the iceberg ready to deliver the much needed business to these penguins. The HQ was completely empty and the lights were off.

The lights were off...

It's an ambush.

Defcon 0.

Marlene backed against the wall into a fighting stance, expecting to be pounced from all angles. Even though her time with the penguins on missions was often brief, she picked up a few things here and there.

Yet again, nothing happened.

She slowly regained her cool and relaxed as there were no signs of life.

At once, Marlene flicked on the light switch and breathed a slight sigh of relief.

She waltzed around the HQ, half smiling at the fact that she wouldn't have to go on any horrid dates tonight. Yet, the question of where the penguins were still remained. They were probably on a mission or something-but who cares?! No dating for this mammal!

It was during Marlene's horrid celebratory dancing that Kowalski's lab creaked open.

Everything turned to innate darkness as a mesh bag came over her head.

"I don't know what I expected from any of this."

* * *

The bag was taken off several hours later. Her paws her bound and she sat in an otter-sized chair. A bucket of water was dumped onto her, waking her up. There was an insufferable ringing in her ears.

"WHAT. THE. F-?!"

"Welcome to romance express. I'll be your flight attendant on this thrill ride, so just sit back and relax," Skipper interrupted. He had a sly grin on his face.

Marlene's eyes batted around in fearful, yet deeply angered, desperation. They appeared to be in a very small, clustered warehouse of some kind. There were luggage bags and boxes all around them. "Skipper...?! Wh-where are we?!"

Skipper motioned around him, "Marlene, my dear, you're ten thousand feet over the pristine skies of good old US of A."

"Skipper, what is going on here?!" She demanded in a fiery tone.

"You are on a one-way trip to the most romantic and thrilling experience of your young life."

"Romance isn't supposed to be thrilling, you idiot!"

"Of course it is!" Skipper defended, "Feel that blood pumping through your veins and the adrenaline kicking in as you proceed to take out an entire legion of wily danish bandits, there's nothing like it! ...Forget that last part."

"That's not what romance is! I-it's going on a date, or going to the movies, or picnics under the stars with a spanish guitar-"

Skipper intervened, "Aww, you're using your words. Stop it."

Marlene sat there in stunned aggravated silence. This couldn't be happening. This was absolutely ridiculous. How on earth can anyone be this stupid?!

"Now, here comes the fun part..." Skipper led on as he waddled over to a small hatch.

"Skipper," Marlene shot up, realizing what was happening, "Skipper, wh-what fun part? None of this is fun so what's the fun part because I clearly cannot see any fun being had because we are in a plane over who knows where which isn't fun at all-SKIPPER WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"I'll explain on the way down," were the last words said in the cargo compartment of the plane before the hatch opened and the two, along with numerous bags, were sucked out into the open air.

Marlene screamed at the top of her lungs as she entered free fall.

Skipper glided by with his flippers behind his head.

"Ahh, isn't this just relaxing?"

"I'm still tied to the chair you dolt!"

"Exactly! Now you have to figure out how to get out of the chair."

Marlene would have slapped him into next November had her wrists not been bound.

No longer being held by gravity, she managed to wiggle herself from the chair. Her paws were still tied behind her back.

Skipper sailed by, "Do you feel that Marlene? The exhilaration of your first drop? Feel the wind brush against you, heart pounding as the adre-"

"Not helping!" she screamed over him. A floating luggage bag hovered close to her. She reached for it and spilled out the contents.

Skipper nodded his head in approval of her resourcefulness.

With awkward, squirming hands, Marlene dove through two or three cases.

"All that's in here are clothes!"

"Security checkpoints, Marlene," Skipper mocked as he sailed past. She's been through enough, he might as well let her off the hook.

"Alright, here," _he muttered as he pushed his way towards the girl of his dreams. He felt weightless as he moved through the clear, dark skies over New York._

_The lights of New York City danced brilliantly behind the couple. They were defying gravity together, above the reach of man and nature, daring to touch the sky. The only onlooker was the ever watching moon._

_Carefully, he grasped a free falling knife. He had several of these planted for such a daring rescue. Slyly, he came behind the otter's back. His flippers brushed delicately against Marlene's soft fur. Skipper could feel his heart beat faster._

"Isn't it lovely?" _ Skipper asked as he looked over the city skyline._

"This isn't romantic at all! Untie me you fool!"

Snapping back into the crazy hysteria of the situation, Skipper slid the knife through the rope, freeing her paws. At once a hard slap came barreling across Skipper's face.

The penguin commando only chuckled, "Woah Marlene, a little fiesty aren't we? Wait until we get to the ground first." Marlene was visibly unhappy. He looked down from where they were at. "Marlene, you said you like Spanish Guitars, right?"

Just then, a Spanish Guitar glided between the two, sailing above them.[1] It seemed a message from the universe to the distraught girl that _yes. This is your love life now. Enjoy it._

Marlene's arms were crossed.

She had completely given up at this point.

She sighed, "Let's just get this over with."

"What are you talking about?" Skipper asked aloud, taken aback at her pleas of escape.

"That's exactly what we wanted to hear!" came a booming, intelligent voice.

Skipper groaned as three vertically pointed penguins floated down before laying on their stomachs and leveling with them.

"What are you three doing here?!" Skipper demanded.

"We snuck on the plane when you and Marlene weren't looking," Private answered.

"I mean, what are you doing interfering with your officer's date!"

"_Psht_ Isn't it obvious, Skipper? We all knew your date would be a massive failure. And _hoho_ Schrodinger's Cat is it awful!" Kowalski remarked laughing.

Marlene joined their conversation, "Yeah, okay, this has been fun and all, but I think it's about time for those parachutes."

Silence.

"Guys..."

They all looked at each others, with Skipper grinning.

"Guys!"

Skipper chuckled, "Ah, sweet, naive Marlene. I didn't bring parachutes." He said it with such a matter-of-factness to it.

"You...WHAT?!"

Skipper pointed down with his flipper. Lo and behold, they were right above the Central Park Zoo. More specifically, the lemur's bouncy house.

"The landing is easy," Private remarked, "The bad part is the bounce..."

Skipper licked his beak, "Feel that rush yet? That do or die gut feeling where you don't quite know whether you'll make it out alive or not? It's breath taking-"

Marlene burst out, "I don't have time for this!" At once, she kicked Rico straight in the gut. A machete came flying out.

Unsatisfied, Marlene broke time and space itself. The other penguins gasped in horror.

She took her paw and reached down Rico's throat until she found a parachute.

At once, she donned the harness, opened the chute, and sailed to safety as the dumbstruck penguins, and mortified Rico, plummeted below.

Down below, and unsuspecting Julien was partying with Mort and Maurice. Well, _he_ was partying, Mort was doing _something_, and Maurice was bored out of his mind.

Suddenly, a suitcase impacted with the ground beside them, exploding everywhere. The lemurs shrieked.

Mort walked up, "What is it?"

Another suitcase landed. Then another. Dresses, Shirts, and other valuables were strewn everywhere.

Julien knew. "Agh! Dese are fabulous gifts from the sky spirits! THANK YOU SKY SPIRITS!"

A bag then collided with the lemur king.

Maurice smiled and turned upwards, "Thank you sky spirit-AHH!" He dove out of the way from more debris.

The penguins fell into the bounce-house, where they landed softly. This is except for Private, who bounced out of the house and smacked against the pavement.

Marlene descended gracefully.

Skipper approached her, "So, how was that?"

"That... I don't even know what that was," she replied, "Do you guys even know what a romantic date is?"

"Of course I do, you just witnessed it," Skipper answered.

"No, I don't mean throwing me out of planes. I mean like an actual date with food and music..."

"Marlene, do you honestly think something so cheesy that only sissies and hippies would partake in is romance?"

The otter girl threw her hands to the sky and turned away, "I'm done, I'm out!"

"Wait, where are you going?!" Skipper called out for her.

"Home."

"Aww, come on! We still have so much more to do! There's still that protest in town, we could slap a hippie or two! Come on! Marlene!"

It was too late. She was already making her escape.

"NOOOOOOO!" Skipper burst out, collapsing onto his knees.

Kowalski waddled up and patted his leader's shoulder, "There there, Skipper. On the bright side, she'll have a much better date with me."

This warranted a serious slap.

Julien sat up, head groggy and barely able to see. Just then, a Spanish Guitar slammed against his head, making a hilarious cacophony of sounds and knocking him unconscious.

* * *

Before I am gouged to death by Skilene fans everywhere, hear me out...

This is a _parody_, no stone left unturned and no character left with dignity. But seriously, I tried my hardest to make Skipper as canon as I could. Skipper is a rush-junkie. He's a commando and a soldier. Yet how many Skipper romance stories pretend he is none of these things and make him into the biggest softie known on the face of the planet? All of his character traits are nudered for gushy, sappy romance lines and attitudes. So, I'm parodying them. Not just Skilene, but all of the romances by having their respective dates be as ridiculous as possible but never leave canon.

With that off my chest, I don't know if this was as funny as the first chapter. Let me know either in review or PM of what you think so far.

Kowalski is next.

Tune in next time.

[1] The rule of "All objects fall at the same speed" is relative. This does not count if you input Terminal Velocity. When you fall, gravity is pulling on you and _speeding you up._ However, the longer you fall, the more the wind _pushes up against you_. Eventually, this will get to a point where you are _not gaining or losing speed_ as the wind and gravity have equaled out. This is Terminal Velocity. Also, how wide and large you are can decrease TV. Every object has different TV. This is why the more dense Skipper and Marlene fell past the relatively hollow and broad guitar and why the other three penguins, who were facing straight down, caught up to them. This footnote is in case there are any nitpickers.


	3. Kolene

I apologize for the lack of humor in "Skilene". That date I was unsure of and stumbled on. For the rest, I know exactly what I am doing and will keep the laughs coming.

Kolene, here we come!

* * *

"If this is anything like last night, I'm just heading home. First sign of trouble, just gone! Like the Wind! Heh... that was a pretty clever joke. Heh. I'm pretty funny," Marlene muttered to herself as she made the walk to the penguin HQ. When she arrived, she took two deep breaths before heading inside.

Kowalski, in the meantime, was busy at work.

"Kowalski?" Marlene called out apathetically, ready to get this over with. However, the tall penguin continued using his welder on the contraption on the table. "HEY!" Marlene yelled even louder.

Kowalski turned and flipped up his mask. "Sorry, Marlene. I didn't notice the time," he replied as he turned off the blue jet.

Marlene approached him, "So what's it this time; defusing a bomb somewhere or fighting giant mutant whales, or-or maybe stopping an army of neckbearded mallninjas from building a doomsday machine on the moon."

"As interesting as that all sounds," he replied, slightly annoyed by her sass, "I don't... really... _have_ a planned date."

"Y-you don't?"

"No actually," he said fiddling with his tools, "I thought I'd improvise."

She sighed, "Well that's better than Skipper at least. So... what do we do now? 'Give me options, Kowalski.'"

"Well we could go for a walk through the park, watch TV, OR help me finish this new invention I've been working on all day."

She looked at the heap of metal on the table. "What is it?"

"It's...," he shifted around nervously, "I don't...know exactly."

"Really? You're building something and you have no idea what it does?"

"A_-hehe_, I suppose I don't. I tried making a machine to reverse the ionic composition of certain molecular-"

"Okay, okay. You don't need to go into the technical sciency stuff. Aren't you afraid of it, oh, I don't know, blowing up in your face? Or more importantly, _my_ face?"

"A lot of things have tried to kill me, Marlene. One of my inventions won't be the one to do it."

"Huh. So why do you think it does something completely different?"

Kowalski blushed, "Well, so far the way I've set up the electromagnet and the overall design changes including the, well, inclusion of a magneto-"

"Like the supervillain, right?"

"...No... N-not like the supervillain."

"I'm kidding. You know that, right?"

"Good. I may have had to give you a well deserved hit on the noggin."

Marlene gasped silently, placing her hands on her hips and smirking, "Now I thought you were supposed to be nice."

"I am, but science knows no bounds."

"Is that so?"

"And you wouldn't do the same to me if we reversed the situation?" Kowalski countered, smirking.

"Well you know I could hit _you_ for this _now_," she smiled.

"Oh you'd just love that wouldn't you! Anyway, could you hand me the socket wrench?" he stated as he buried his face and hands back into his machine.

Marlene looked dumbfounded at the toolbox next to the table, "Uhhhhhh, which one?"

"It should be a handle with a cylindrical end sticking out the side of it."

Marlene followed her eyes with her hand until finally coming across the tool. She handed it to his outstretched hand. "Sorry, I'm not real good with this stuff."

"You wanna give it a try?" Kowalski asked.

"W-what?"

"Sure. I mean, it's almost done. I just need a few things tightened into place."

Marlene walked over to the open panel of the machine, socket wrench in hand. "Okay... what am I doing?"

"You see those three bolts closest to the panel?"

"I think so?"

"I just need you to tighten those and it will finally be finished."

She reached in and began to turn with the wrench. It clicked dozens of times with each turn. "Like this?"

"Wrong way."

"Right..."

After an abnormally long time, she finished with the bolts. "Perfect! Like a true mechanic. You could build anything now."

"Sure, why don't I go take apart the Brooklyn Bridge and reassemble it in my backyard."

Kowalski was taken aback. "Well, if you're serious, we could try something like that next week," he jokingly said in a deadpan manner.

"_hehe. _I-...I'm having fun. I mean, I can't believe being in a cooped up basement building things with Kowalski could _ever_ be fun. But it's better than Skipper."

"R-really?!" he stammered, "You mean it?"

"Yeah. I don't know if I'd call this a date or anything romantic, but still."

Kowalski smiled at this. These compliments meant everything to him. Then it turned quickly into a frown. He hadn't accounted for this. Everything was supposed to be finished long before she showed up.

Then again, she didn't say that this was romantic in any way. Maybe he was justified. He gradually wore his guilt away.

Just then, the machine on the table burst to life. Purple and green lights shone brightly and amplifier on top began to spin at blinding speeds.

"It works!" Marlene stated, "Well done, Frankenstein. So... what now?"

Kowalski smiled, "I don't know. Why don't we find out. IGOR! Pull the lever!"

She bowed and joked, "Whatever you say master." She pulled the lever. The machine whizzed and buzzed. "So, what happens...now...?" She turned around to see Kowalski back away slowly.

"SCIENCE ZAP!" he shouted as he dove behind the television set.

She sighed, accepting her fate. "I hate penguins. I hate everything about them. I hate love and romance and dates and why does everything happen to _me?!_"

_**BOOM **_went the Love-U-Lator V2 with a thunderous roar.

Kowalski looked up from behind the TV with blast marks all over it.

Marlene lay on the floor motionless. Some ends of her fur were sizzling and some lit like a candle wick. The machine itself had exploded into hundreds of tiny bits.

"Oh no, Marlene!" he said rushing over to her. "D-...did I kill her? NOOO!-I mean 'Yay' one inventions actually has a legitimate purpose but-NOOOOOOOO!"

Just as he muttered those words, Marlene's now gray and lifeless eyes shot open abruptly. Her back moved upwards with an unholy suddeness.

"_EIIIIIIII!"_ Kowalski shrieked, which sounded like the Hindenburg explosion if the balloon was made out of helium. After calming down from that intensely smooth and ridiculously James Bond-esque squeal, he found that he was somewhat relieved yet highly disturbed.

With spooky creepiness, her head turned around. Her neck seemed the point of snapping as she slowly craned towards him.

"Oh I didn't see, you there... Hello, the hot Kowalski Penguin."

"Uhh... hi?"

"I am in love with the hot Kowalski."

Her voice was so strained and awkward. It was almost robotic and google translatish with a mix of a wheelchair speak-easy. He waved his hand in front of her eyes but they stood still.

Her entire body heaved upward towards him. "Ohokaythatjusthappened," Kowalski abruptly squeaked stepping back.

"We're going to have so much fun together, just the, two of...us. Alone. Together. Two of us. I love hot Kowalski. Forever.

And Ever.

And Ever.

And Ever."

Kowalski stood back, horrified at the mostrocity he created. He was aghast at this freak of nature. What had he done? What had he transformed Marlene into?! What had he-

"So you love me?"

"Yes."

Wut?

"And you want to go on dates with me and be my girlfriend?"

"YesIlove the Kowalski heterosexual male penguin."

No.

"Yeeessss," he he said as he pulled his arm back in success.

No, that's not right. You shouldn't be happy. This isn't normal-

Kowalski was tempted to kiss her right then and there. However, if there's anything he loves more than romance and science, it's himself. First things first, he must show off. That is top priority.

-This defies the laws of nature! Someone else take charge of writing this story!

"Come on Marlene," he said seductively yet incredibly awkwardly as he wrapped his arm around her lifeless hip, "Let's blow this joint." Look out Charles Bronson, there's a new hotty in town and it's definitely not this penguin.

"Whatever you, say hot. Kowalski."

As the two climbed out of the HQ, well, one climbed out and they other ascended upwards, the narrator was off busy hiding in shame from the sheer display of idiocy and the defilement of everything sacred in nature. Fortunately, there's a replacement. Hi.

Kowalski stuck his head out of the ladder and was greeted by the other penguins who lay in a circle with their heads pressed against the ground at the other end of the iceberg trying to listen. Their nerves were shot as they waited desperately to hear any indication of Kowalski's failure. The scientist smirked. This would be good.

He climbed completely out of the HQ and stood before them. "Oh hello there. What are you all doing out here, standing around the iceberg, silent. You weren't waiting to barge into my date, _were you?_" Kowalski teased.

"Wh-what? No, of course not!" Skipper stammered, "We were just, uh, looking for Private's contacts."

"I have contacts-?" Private asked confused before being smacked upside the head.

"Oh no! There they go again, all over the iceberg, somewhere... again-Private!"

"What did I do?" Private asked much more concerned and terrified. Rico smacked him next, sending him to the iceberg with a thud.

"_Ahem_, good thinking Private. You, uh, go look for those contacts," Skipper then turned to his analyst, "So..."

"So...?" the tallest continued, hands on hips.

"How-um-was your date with, uh, that, uh her-"

"Marlene?"

"Yes that one. Was it a million times worse than mine? Is she down there crying? Does she need me to go down there?"

"Well I don't know, why don't you ask her!" Kowalski said, arm swinging around. There was still no Marlene.

_thud_

The hatch to the HQ was still closed. Kowalski slyly opened it. The otter floated up like a balloon and shuffled around in Kowalski's arms. "Heh-he-ere she is!" he said in a _not_ awkward fashion as he struggled to keep Marlene in his grasp.

The others all tensed at this. Private shot up from the ground.

Her head was tilted to the side. Her eyes stared off into the distance, as if pondering the mysteries of the universe. Her arms were tightly at her sides and Kowalski was hugging her at obscure angles.

By Jove she was more beautiful than they remembered!

"Hello other penguin arctic birds who are not the Kowalski," she spoke in a monotone voice.

Kowalski continued his parade of himself, "So Marlene, why don't you tell them about _us_?"

"Kowalski is the hottest of male animal birds in the Central Park Recreational Zoo Area Facility. The other penguins who are not good looking or sexy or fun are less than the hot Kowalski heterosexual extravaganza and I am in love with the hot Kowalski."

Kowalski giggled and blushed like a little anime schoolgirl, which was very immasculine.

"Wh...what?" Private said as tears filled his eyes. Rico wailed aloud. Skipper stood there, frozen.

Time to reel it in home.

"How about a kiss, Marlene?"

"Whatever you say hot Kowalski."

He shifted her to face him. He made sure the others had a good view of the two. He leaned her back and pressed his beak against her lips. She didn't move and her eyes were glassy and frozen; locked on his forehead. A bit of drool was coming from her motionless mouth. It was the hottest kiss Kowalski could ever have given. It was too glorious for words. Even the new narrator is feeling all hot and bothered. I need a towel.

After the highly manly and completely romantically natural cascade of making out, Kowalski broke the kiss with a wide, exasperated grin. A trail of drool connected the two. "W-hohoho-wow!" Kowalski exclaimed with crossed eyes. Marlene stood like a statue...still.

The others were aghast as though they were witnessing the Hindenburg explosion occurring before them. _This_ may just be a bit worse. Just a bit.

Private rushed up with watery eyes, "B-But Kowalski, how could you do this to us?" He sobbed like a pansy as he drew too close for comfort up to the analyst.

The otter then slowly creaked her head towards him. "Kowalski-ruining love of the non heterosexual variety threat detected."

"W-wot?" were Private's last words before being ceremoniously kicked in the stomach. One probably thought the kick would send him flying into the air. It didn't. It simply rammed into his stomach, hurting immensely. He collapsed to his knees before completely falling to the ground, curled in fetal position, crying. Stop laughing, this isn't funny.

Marlene turned back, "Come on, hot Kowalski, let's us leave to be elsewhere where I can be with the hot Kowalski."

"Oh, whatever you say dear. Bye!" Kowalski exclaimed to the others as he was dragged away from the HQ.

Skipper squinted his eyes. He thought this seemed very suspicious, "This seems very suspicious." He didn't believe this could be real, "This can't be real." Something was afoot here, "Something's afoot here."

He then gathered Rico into a huddle. Private still lay on the ground in a ball, where no one cared. Skipper yanked the boy up into the huddle. "This smells fishy," he told his men.

"Sa'wy," Rico apologized.

"No, not like that! I mean this all doesn't seem right. If anything, this is the work of..."

"Of what, Skippah?" Private followed up, completely drying his tears.

"Hippies."

"Hippies?!"

"Hippie Gypsies, who are also spies and Russian aliens. It took them long enough to finally-"

"Or Kowalski could have done some brainy wipey thing like befoh," Private surprisingly intellectually stated somewhat.

"Oh. That's probably right. Kowalski, options!"

...

"...Right! Private, options!" Skipper demanded.

"Oh, um, uh-"

"Yes, yes, along the right track, Rico?"

Rico upchucked a missile that streamlined off somewhere in the park and blew up, creating a red shadow over the three.

"I see. Good contingency plan! Private?"

"Funny bumper stickers!" Private shouted, alarmed by the sudden attention.

"Aha! Now we're getting somewhere..."

Back to the awkwardly dynamic romantic ecstatic duo, Kowalski and Marlene sauntered through the park. Kowalski beamed with pride and made sure _everyone_ saw his new date.

Suddenly, they were cut off by the other penguins. Honestly, they didn't have time for a coherent plan so they winged it. Rico was holding a snowblower while Private wielded a pool noodle and donned hockey pads. Skipper, of course, wore Rhodesian short shorts, thirteen penguin sized watches on his arm, and a casino dealer's green visor.

"Kowalski! You have to stop this right now!" Skipper demanded. The other two penguins joined him in battle stances.

"Stop what?" Kowalski said confused.

"You're mind controlling Marlene, aren't you?"

"I-oh-uh..."

"Aren't you?!"

Kowalski pondered for a second, sweat dripping down his forehead, "...No...?"

GASP!

The penguins all stood exasperated back.

"So Marlene's NOT being mind controled!" Skipper stated.

Private brought his flippers up to his beak, "But that means..."

They all collapsed on each other, hugging in crying and sadness. It was quite embarrassing and un-soldierly.

"Pfft, wimps," Kowalski muttered as he rejoined his love.

Elsewhere, Julien watched the abhorrent display of the penguins. "Ah, Maurice, look at those little flippered penguins," Julien said as he began to chuckle.

"...okay?" Maurice followed along.

"Look, they're all crying!"

"...So...?"

"What do you mean 'so?' This is hilarious! Maurice, get the camera! I want to remember this moment forever!"

The servant shrugged as he began to walk off, "Whatever your majesty."

"Hmm, I wonder what they're upset over."

"Hello Julien King lemur of the not Madagascar kingdom."

He turned quickly to see Marlene and Kowalski, "Aha! Pretty lady! I knew you would not resist the touch of King Julien could-...you..."

Even Maurice and Mort returned shocked and dismayed. Marlene and... Kowalski?! That's just absurd! They have no chemistry! Nothing in common!

Nevertheless, Kowalski cleared his throat and began to speak up, "J-Julien. We, uhh (this is awkward), we need to borrow your habitat for our date."

"Oh... haha. S-sure. Anything for M-...Marlene," Julien chocked out fighting back tears.

Suddenly all of Kowalski's guilt vanished as he replied, "Sweet! Thanks!"

The three lemurs could only stand back as Marlene and Kowalski started horribly dancing to the King's radio. Marlene, ironically, was the smoother dancer of the two.

The other three penguins shuffled their soggy behinds over, just as distraught as the lemurs. They all had the same face, staring on while the other two ripped up the dance floor with their sick moves. It was rather funny and amusing. You should have seen it. Unfortunately this is FanFiction and there is no way to visualize anything.

"You see that, boys?" Skipper said, "That is what failure looks like."

"I-I didn't even get a chance," Private said with watery eyes.

"She was the most beautifulliest platy-pus I ever saw," Julien said.

"She's an otter."

"Oh."

Mort simply cried from the fact that everyone else was sad and that he could not comprehend what was going on. Maurice muttered, "Whatever, I'm still not getting paid to put up with this."

"WAHAUHAUHAU!" Rico balled as he collapsed into a slump on the ground.

"Saaaaame, Rico," Skipper said like a basic white girl, "Same." He collapsed on top of the weapons expert in a pit of sadness.

Meanwhile, the other two already departed and were off doing who knows what else. What else were they doing? Who knows.

Eventually they made it into the gift shop. They both wanted to be secluded from the world. "Marlene, I just wanted to tell you something," Kowalski said, trying to hone in on his inner suave, "I adore you. These past... how long has it been?"

"One hour."

"Yes, one hour has been fantastic and I already have made up my mind based on this single hour that we should be together forever. I can guarantee that there will be absolutely no regrets to this decision."

"I love you two Hot Kowalski lover penguin extreme." With that she grabbed his flipper and lead him into one of the closets within the gift shop.

"Wo-hoho! Slow down Marlene. I-...I didn't know you were that kind of woman," Kowalski slyly stated seductively strongly ssss.

He didn't realize that this room had no windows. Nor did he notice Marlene lock the door from the inside.

"So... what do you have in mind?" he said with a wink.

"Hot Kowalski, I love the hot kowalski with all of my heart and the Marlene otter female wants us to be together forever.

And ever.

And ever.

Where no one can hear you. No threats to our romance. No police. Embrace me, hot Kowalski."

"...Neat."

* * *

"I am not quite sure what the events are that led to this," Kowalski calmly stated despite being tied to a spinning wheel.

"No one will touch the hot Kowalski and prevent us from our otter mammal and penguin species love."

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. "Uh, h-hello?" came a familiar British accent.

"Yes hello who is it that is disturbing the Kowalski and me romance time?" Marlene questioned as she opened the door.

Private looked past her at Kowalski, concerned. "Oh hey Private," the analyst calmly stated.

"Anyway, Marlene. I came to realize that it doesn't matter who you love. All that matters is that you're happy. Because it's important to be happy and cheerful for your friends. And that's why I made you this friendship gift basket! It has some music, a-and muffins, and a lunacorns dvd, and-"

The door was immediately slammed in his face.

"Wh-...Wot? Oh piss off then!" Private frustratedly exclaimed. Although he didn't swear, that was the most vulgar word he ever said up to that point and was free to say it now without Skipper smacking him silly.

Then the little penguin came to the horrid realization. He had to go tell the others.

* * *

"Uhh... Skippah?"

Private came upon the rest of the animals slumped over in a giant pile of depression and slobbering sadness. They were all laying around on top of each other. Their tears were enough to solve the water problems in third world countries.

"Go away Private," Skipper choked out, "Can't you see we're depressed?"

"Uhmm, okay... Julien?"

"What is it you could want flippered birdy?" he said in between sobs as he threw his head around dramatically.

"Marlene is being mind controlled!"

"But didn't you hear Private?!" Skipper cut in, "Kowalski said 'No!'"

"But I went to go see Marlene with a gift basket as a way of saying that it doesn't matter who she loves-"

Marucie butted in, "Wow, that's pretty-"

"SCHHSSSTT! _Ahem_ And she didn't want it!"

"...And...?"

"Marlene loves gift baskets! It only makes sense if she was mind controlled! (Also she had Kowalski tied up and has been talking like a robot all night.)"

"Holy flim-flam, he's right!" Skipper stated as he got up, accidentally smacking Private in the face as he did. "You heard him fellas, we need to rescue her!"

"But how?" Maurice asked.

"It's simple!" Julien stepped up to the occasion, "We will use the power of... Jump Cuts!"

* * *

"Wow! That was such an incredible and intense rescue!" Skipper said in amazement.

"I could not be agreeing with you more! That was the most intensist actiony packedy mission EVEH!" Julien screamed.

The zoo was on fire behind them and there was grape jelly splattered all around the ground. The air force had fly-overs New York to see what exactly was going on. Julien was dressed like an 18th century Russian aristocrat while Skipper was dressed as the late Howard Hughes, complete with a pencil thin mustache. That mustache was vital to their success.

"I especially liked the part where we entered into a kung fu ninja battle," Maurice said walking up, covered in those little paper straw holders that stick to your hands.

"Or when you used me as bait and Mort entered into an eight minute long guitar solo," Private stated, covered in bruises and dressed like a sandwich.

"Or when we had to fight off Kowalski's robot spiders," Mort joined in, wearing death metal band make-up and his tongue waggled to scandalous lengths.

"Or when I had to engage in an epic showdown of magnificent proportions," Kowalski said drenched in peanut butter, which would explain the jelly covering the ground.

"O' Whe- W' Boo- i' the KABOOM!" Rico gargled in a mime outfit.

"Yeah, or when the part where I was MIND CONTROLLED?!" Marlene screamed at them.

"Oooooooooooohhhh..." they all suddenly realized at once. "That's right..."

"What the-... how the-..." Marlene struggled to form words.

"No need to congratulate me, Marlene," Kowalski walked forward proudly, " I know my ability to change and undo the mind is a leap forward in science, but-"

"Why?! You couldn't just have a normal date?" she asked in angry frustration.

"Well that would be way to simple. And why would I need to try when I have SCIENCE-_oof_" Kowalski was slapped by Skipper.

"Jeez, didn't you hear the woman? She didn't want none of your sciency mumbo jumbo! No. She just wanted the thrill and excitement of active combat! The adrenaline coursing through your veins."

"Yeah okay whatever, you," Marlene pointed at Rico, who nearly wet himself with fright. "I want just a normal dinner date. No jumping out of airplanes, no sciency stuff, no explosions, _no lunacorns_," Private looked down in defeat, "Just you. Me. Some food. Maybe a little music. That's it!"

"So... there's still a chance? YES!" Private exclaimed.

"Wait, what was that whole thing about friends and happiness?"

"Ha! Oh forget that. Only second place losers say that!"

With that, she marched off.

Skipper didn't even hear her and instead continued on his military ramblings, "-leading a charge against a band of Danish mercenaries-Wait, where's she going?"

The seven were left there not really sure what to do with themselves. Then they all looked at Rico, wondering what in the heck he could possibly have in store.

* * *

What does the romance master Rico have in store for Marlene? Find out whenever I decide to upload.

By the way, if you have not seen it, I have a new PoM story called "Wot's the Deal," which revolves around Private. Go read it, it's good I promise. Also, in case you haven't heard, I am making a huge 5-6 way crossover with Homestuck which will involve PoM! To start it off, I am making miniature one-shot cross overs with Homestuck and each of the bridging fandoms. I will write the PoM one in the hopefully near future, but I already have Regular Show and Adventure Time done on my profile if you are interested.

Also, thank you guys so much for the reviews and support!


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